My Big Mistake As a Controlling Parent

Our family recently went through a big transition. We moved to a new city during the school year which included a transfer of schools for my children. As a parent, I desperately wanted the transition to go smoothly for my kids. In my mind getting life back to normal meant creating a routine that included after school activities and finding immediate social experiences for my kids to make friends. For the first month of the move, I became obsessed with finding activities and opportunities for my middle school kids to get involved in. Not only did I have the intention of getting them involved to socialize and make friends, but I had the hidden agenda of setting them up in middle school with activities to make the high school transition and then the admissions process easier. Colleges want to see students involved in well-established, in-depth, consistent activities in high school. Using the middle school years to explore activities that can then become consistent experiences in high school is a nice way to de-stress and make the college admissions process easier in the long run.
My obsession became a headache for everyone in the house. We were not even unpacked or settled, and I was dragging my kids to different classes and activities around the city. I did not give them room to breathe, adjust, get their barrings, and settle into the new environment. I just wanted to replicate their old life and activities without even giving them room to explore and get their buy-in. As a result, they became resentful to the activities I suggested, even the ones that they had enjoyed for years, and they had no desire to get involved. They felt like they had no choice in the process. Now discussing activities has become a frustrating experience for all of us.
As I am in the process of getting a re-do from them, I am taking a step back and listening to my own professional advice that I give families every day. Instead of coming from a place of control and inserting all of my opinions, I am now helping them explore the options that are out there and having them pick from a range of activities that they are interested in.
From my observations working with teenagers through the college admissions process for the last 20 years, I have observed that providing choices, asking questions, and coming from a place of curiosity can be a very helpful approach with teenagers. During this experience, I did not approach my kids in the style that I use with my clients. Instead, I came from a place of fear and control rather than remembering that this is a process of self-exploration and my role as a parent is to provide healthy space and the opportunities to allow my kids to find their way and make their own choices.
This may sound funny, but I am now finding it best to set up meeting times with my kids, so we can talk through options and they have a choice. We have a set agenda and it is planned out ahead of time, so they are prepare and not annoyed with the meeting. I am learning every day how to parent my own kids through the admissions process.
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